What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
You Might Also Like
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Donkey Kong sommelier
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison