My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Donkey Kong sommelier
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Monday
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.