My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I need to update my racial profile.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call