I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.