Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

happy valentine’s day to me

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.