I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
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I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Sunday
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
what does he know…
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.