Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
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Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I don’t get marriage
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
🤣😂
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Cinematography is my passion