Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
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My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Good boy 😂😂
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