My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
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Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!