CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.