“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
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Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
tattoo: $500 but cooler
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
my mom: you still coming over today?
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Customer: can I get some bacon
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
She was rare, like a goth carolling.