“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
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I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?