@UNDEADTRESOR

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

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@JCWisdomNuggets

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

@WilliamAder

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

@Sheila_Mac420

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

@SchmuckOnAHorse

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

@Floatersfinest

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

@deephora_

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@imcalebt

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

@GreenishDuck

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

@ChaviStHill

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”