“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.