Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
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“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
good for her
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president