me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
You Might Also Like
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]