I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
You Might Also Like
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship