No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*