“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You Might Also Like
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
When someone trying to leave me
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.