u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?