I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*