Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
You Might Also Like
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”