Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
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I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Mornin. * use accordingly
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!