“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
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Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.