15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The devil.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Breaking news:
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes