15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
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5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Jogging
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”