I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.