@deephora_ I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
@IamJackBoot I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
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@deephora_ 
@neiltyson Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
@Julian_Deane With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
@JediGigi “Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
@CynicalTherapi1 When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
@causticbob The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
@dumbbeezie This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
@craiguito Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
@johnfreiler if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
@causticbob A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”