Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop