The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
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You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that