You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.


Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.


Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.


[Clinic waiting room]
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?


Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.


[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?


Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before


I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.


HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!


[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that