You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
🙁
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels