@LostCatDog

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

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@thedad

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

@ShirtPantsJones

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

@LackOfShame

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

@Gre_Gone

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

@TheAlexP

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

@DanMentos

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

@WheelTod

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

@DannyZuker

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

@Kirangandhi

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that