I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
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I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.