Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
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I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.