Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.