Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope