It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
WHY would you be happy about this?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”