WHY would you be happy about this?
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A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
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sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
What if all the cashiers are married?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about