love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?