This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Venn
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!