Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

awkward

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan