This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine