Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.