Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored