@SaraESpivey
@darshan_dhoble One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
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@darshan_dhoble 
@TrueTorontoGirl My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
@TheAlexNevil *I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
@Naked_Superman Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
@capnwatsisname Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
@jdebbiel how do y’all walk in shallow water
@boxergraphix #Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
@AllanForsyth To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
@TheToddWilliams [interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
@heymonroe All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?