To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh