I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot