I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I like crazy people until they notice me
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.