I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.