This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
my fav colour is also hitler
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
It do be feeling this way.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?