“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
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I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
my mind
You just read my mind
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”