“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
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If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
SPLOOT
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic