Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
You Might Also Like
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Haha good job!!
fr
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I drew y’all a little something.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.