Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
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When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here