You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Worst Native American name ever.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.