Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

When someone says you are so lazy

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in