You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.