LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
You Might Also Like
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal