[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer