Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
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if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Why I divorced her.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button