Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
There is wisdom there.