I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
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Going into Monday like
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
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Nice try Hitler
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!