I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
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[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Spa day..😅
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.