[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
You Might Also Like
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you