“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?