Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
opening twitter today
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”