My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Breaking news:
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top