My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
the only bumper sticker ill allow
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird