“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
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Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Good morning, Twitter x
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Mornin
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.