When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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wow
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it