My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
You Might Also Like
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99